And yes, I get all three in my office.

Those looking for a partner. Those wondering whether to stay with a partner. And those leaving a partner, only to discover they must start all over again.

The whole relational spectrum.

So forget tall, dark, and handsome. Forget “likes to hike and listen to jazz.” Forget the educational pedigree, the income bracket, and whether they checked every box on your dating app.

At the end of the day, none of that matters nearly as much as you think.

Relational success requires you to go deeper.

You need to ask yourself two questions.

1. Does this person know they have shit?

Sorry, folks. We all do.

Some people have a carry-on bag. Others have a steamer trunk. But we all bring baggage to the party. Nobody gets through childhood completely unscathed. It’s just a matter of degree.

So when a potential partner tells you they had a “perfect” childhood, pay attention.

Because if they haven’t begun their own psychological inquiry into how they came to be the person they are, their denial will eventually become your problem. And it may become a very big problem.

Don’t sign up for that.

Instead, hitch your wagon to someone who knows—and accepts—that they are imperfect. Someone who can look honestly at their history, their patterns, their wounds, and their contribution to the relationship.

Sure, their eyes may sparkle across the candlelit table.

But sparkly eyes are not a relational skill.

Don’t be fooled.

2. Are they willing to work their shit?

If you made it through Question #1, wonderful.

Now comes the more important question.

Are they willing to work their shit?

Do they have enough ego strength to eat humble pie and admit they are imperfect, human, and still growing?

Can they tolerate being wrong?

Can they hear something difficult about themselves without immediately becoming defensive, blaming you, or checking out?

And, perhaps most importantly, are they willing to do the hard—and often painful—work of healing their core childhood wounds so they can become the best version of themselves?

Because knowing your shit is only half the battle.

You have to be willing to do something about it.

If they aren’t, say a kind “No, thank you.”

You do not want to be ten years and two kids into a life with someone who is stuck, defensive, and unwilling to raise their hand and say, Yep. I’ve got work to do.

Because relationships don’t thrive on potential.

They thrive on two people willing to look in the mirror, own their stuff, and keep growing.

So, in sum, look for a partner who can honestly come to the table with their emotional and relational challenges.

And then—

do something about them.

Own and Work.

Put it on a notecard in your purse or wallet.

Take a quick glance when you’re seduced by those sparkly blue eyes, the great ass, or the fact that they make you laugh until your stomach hurts.

Because without these two things, you may have chemistry.

You may have attraction.

You may have great sex.

But eventually, you’re likely to have heartache.

Own and Work.

That’s the relationship tip.

Before. During. And after.