Defensiveness. What a powerful, common yet ineffective human reaction – at least when it comes to relationships.
When we are defensive, what are we really saying as the sub-text?
“I am not the bad guy here.”
“Your reality is wrong.”
“I am innocent.”
“It’s you, not me.” (It’s not even some of me.)
“Correcting the ‘facts’ are more important than hearing and seeking to understand you.”
“My ego is more important that you or our relationship.”
“I am right. You are wrong.”
“You are crazy!”
“I am not open to how you experience me.”
“I am closed to a new idea about me that I don’t know about yet.”
“Don’t fuck with how I see me in the world. Dismissing you through my defense will keep my internal status quo intact.”
“Back off and leave me in my own self-protected world.”
You get the jist.
Nothing on that list of conscious and unconscious messaging to your partner is helpful to the relationship.
So, check that ego at the door and start again as a growing, oft-wrong, humble and generous human being. My guess is that your relationship will appreciate it.