I am fascinated of late by the Love Avoider. The neglected one in the crowd. All the attention stolen by the Love Addict. And isn’t that ironic? The Love Avoider has even found a way to hide from that spotlight. Not this time. Got ’em. You get the whole enchilada this month and next. We are focusing on you. And it is about time you got your due. So, pull up to the table. Pass me your plate. We are piling it on. There is love to go around and I want you to have your share …
So, what exactly is a Love Avoider? A Love Avoider is someone who resists nature’s way. As humans, we are born to connect. A plain and simple fact. Nothing to argue here. But a Love Avoider has walled him/herself off as to negate the need and the desire for human contact on a deep and emotionally intimate level. He/she is more interested in protection and survival than connection and relationship. What does this look like behaviorally?
- Often come across as superficially pleasant, even charismatic;
- Hyper – Independent. He/she does not seem to need anything from their partner except to be alone. Often rejects the attempts of others to nurture, help or give;
- Will often come into the relationship as the giver or the caretaker;
- Seeks the “juice out there.” He/she spends too much time outside of the relationship – working, involved in sports, with friends, projects, keeping busy. Could be having an emotional or sexual affair;
- Is not present when together. Mono-syllabic. Gives vague answers to questions. Very contained. You can’t really get to know this person beyond a certain level. Feels like a chore to get them to answer questions. Wants to be alone frequently;
- Hides behind walls of silence or anger with signs of hidden hostility such as eye rolling, sighing, interrupting;
- Withdraws or leaves early from social events;
- Has grown more and more distant since the early stages of a relationship;
- Often emotionally detached;
- Perceives and complains that being controlled, smothered, suffocated and/or that partner is too needy;
- Is non-committal. The partner nevers feels like he/she is totally in the relationship;
- Experiences the relationship as a duty or obligation;
- Engages in a possible addiction or other self-medicating behaviors.
That is one long list. But for a moment, let’s consider the possibility that maybe the Love Avoidant has it right. After all, being in a relationship is a risky proposition. Love is the ultimate contact sport. The most dangerous of games. Full engagement not optional. So maybe it is wise to be afraid of it and to do all things necessary to protect ourselves from being flattened. After all …
1. … Love makes us vulnerable. Relationships cast us into uncharted territory where the fear of the unknown inevitably rears its head. Falling in love … just as the name implies … is a fall. A fall from control and self-containment. A movement from a one-person to a two-person. Thus, it is a risk. We are placing an immense amount of trust in another person. Will we fall into solid and nurturing arms or will we stumble into the grasp of someone’s need to cause pain? When we attach ourselves to someone, we sign-up to be affected by them. We become exposed and vulnerable. We give another permission to engender all kinds of feelings in us – often ones we would rather not acknowledge, much less feel.
2. … New love stirs past hurts. When we enter into a new relationship, whether we are conscious of it or not, we are opening the Pandora Box of our history. All the ways we were hurt in the past, starting from our childhood, have a strong influence on how we choose, perceive and experience the people we get close to in the present – no matter how they act. Old, negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We may steer away from intimacy because it enlivens old feeling of loss, hurt and rejection – not to mention pain that occurs for not having had this type of love in the past.
3. … Being loved challenges our old identity. Many folks struggle with an underlying feeling of being unlovable. We do not believe in our own value and that anyone could really care for us. Our internal critical voice screams old and ingrained messages that we are unworthy of love and happiness. Although harmful, these attitudes are also comfortable. Thus, when another person sees us differently, loving and appreciating us, we may feel uncomfortable and defensive. Challenging our long-held beliefs about ourselves can be dislodging and unbearable.
4. … Real joy brings real pain. Any time we expand our emotional range to experience true joy, we also open ourselves to other more in-depth feelings such as pain and sadness. Thus, many of us shy away from what makes us the happiest because it can also make us feel pain. Going “all in” becomes a risk we would rather not take.
5. … Relationships change your connection to your family. Being in a partnership can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. We declare a start to our own adult lives as independent, autonomous individuals. This development requires an emotional parting, a differentiation from being a child of one family to the formation of a new, adult one. For some, this healthy form of separation feels like abandonment – an injury that cannot be dealt to generous and adoring parents. So in protecting the original family, we stall our own growth, love possibilities and happiness.
6. …Falling in love tests the boundaries of the self in ways that are threatening. In the natural process of falling in love, nature has a way of blending two folks into a false but felt reality of being “one.” This grand union feels fabulous, very similar to the “high” any addict seeks. However, as the relationship progresses, the two selves re-emerge in that we can no longer be connected 24/7 to anyone as if back in the womb of our mother. I am me and you are you and somehow we have to negotiate the space we now call “we” as two separate people.
If my sense of separateness is not solid and secure, contained within my own healthy ego boundaries, then I fear that you will take over and swallow me whole. The “we” becomes synonymous to the “you” forcing the “I” to no longer exist. Thus, my walled-offness is a defensive stance to physically keep you from annihilating me. Sheer survival – that is the name of the game. However, the more I can trust that I will stand, my connection to you can be more easily established. I can afford to be fluid, flexible and open because I do not have to worry that I will be taken over and crushed.
So, after all that, why the hell should we bother with love? Just put a bag over my head, turn on the TV and pass the Doritos.
In an upcoming article, we will discuss how the Love Avoidant got that way. What the benefits are of reconsidering. And how one can go about doing so. Stay tuned.
Fantabulous !!
I second that!
Lmfao…. this article is hilarious ! But i dont agree with all of it…… as always mental or emotional health articles fantasize reality and people…. making the world seem perfect if only u fix ur own mind…. however this is not true…they always over simplify relationships… making it seem like the reader is the only one that has problems…. once u fix ur own problems.. now u get to deal with others problems is the actual reality….u may be perfect….but the rest of the world isnt..hate to break it to you…. and love is not that great… its two dirty humans sharing fluids, fighting, then sharing fluids again…. could be some laughs inbetween…but i dont think it truely makes anyone happier than they would be alone… because u have to be happy alone to be happy in a relationship…so theres the idiocy of all this bullshit… the point is nobody is truly happy without jesus christ !!!! PSYCHOLOGICL BULLSHIT IN WHICH PEOPLE ARE NOT CREATED BY GOD IS NOT TRUE….CUZ WE HAVE INHERENTLY A NEED FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD….
Hello, please may I have your advice
As a bona fide love avoidant (in the process of reforming), I can tell you that you have this 100% correct – especially the part about wanting to be alone and constantly feeling smothered. A simple request, such as, “can you be home on time for dinner tonight?” sounds like neediness and desperation to a love avoidant. Looking forward to reading part II.
I really need you to stop following me… You know too much about me! Lol. Spot on.
Hello Ginger, this is the article that brought me to you while I was researching about love avoidance. I had read quite a bit on this topic already and sometimes it got scary. The difference I have found is that you write not only with expertise but also with a lightness that says it’s still ok and things can be done to resolve the problem. You write with love. This is not easy to find. Thank you for the wonderful help you provide. Alex.
it’s really painful to be on the other side of this!
Mia please say more, not sure what you mean 🙂
Falling in love with an avoidant and then having them leave because the relationship is “too much” or you are “too needy”, is very painful. You start to doubt everything you thought you had with this person and everything you are as an individual. Am I too needy? What did I do wrong? Did I really ask for too much? How could they just walk away like I meant nothing? It’s horrible to be on the other side.
Yes I agree, it is REALLY painful to be on the other side of this…and Love avoidants can make non-needy people extremely needy as their was no problem in the begining of the relationship but they pull away more and more as time goes on…..
The honeymoon period sucks…true selves are not being shown at all.
I have been both the love avoidant and needy attachment style.
False!
Love avoidants can make non-needy people extremely needy. This not true.
Anxious (needy) folks are already that way. Avoiding attachment folks are attracted to anxious attachment folks…they are magnets to one another.
Oh my gosh.
My ex is an avoidant. I feel hit by a truck
Yes indeed Mia, the other side is hell!
I think Mia is saying – it is painful to be in a relationship with a love avoidant? Agreed on that, and that this article helps with understanding & potential optimism. So thanks also.
I agree 100% with Mia. The man in my life is avoidant. He is seeking help, but I need help as well in how to cope; giving him space yet being there so he doesn’t feel abandoned, etc. Is there a “formula” for what to do when they run?
I think the love avoidant is selfish, contolling and manipulative and should deal with their pain on their own, not being in a relationship and making the other person’s life hell. It’s their way or the highway….stay away from these f’ded up people…they will take you down a dark road of pain….denying your needs and making you step on egg shells.
28 yrs old and definitely love avoident. Have been this way since I was 23, but have always felt something was unusual about me as I got older.
Anyways, tried getting help. Did 4 yrs of therapy before calling it quits. Sometimes a person has to realize that maybe love and connections aren’t for everybody.
And also, you’re right about the list. Describes me down to the letter. At this point, I hardly doubt theirs a real bone in my body. But, fuck it. We all have our roles to play.
Yes, I am also on the receiving end of this. This just completely hit him spot on. I’m having an epiphany reading this. It’s like you wrote it about him. He has recently asked for space & for me to be patient after being silent and angry for almost 5 weeks. He said he is scared of me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. How do I give him space & be patient & bring him to a place where he can trust me and actually want to come closet to me? Please help!
“Resists?” Verbs like these make it seem as if the love avoidant individual chooses disconnection. And I understand it may seem like a conscious decision from an outside perspective, but trust and believe the love avoidant individual would be more involved with others, on hikes and drawing in the sunshine
If they had a sense of being safe
The love avoidants they enjoy when they see their partners suffering because of their coldness and ignorance, it make them feel they have power and independance, my advice is do not give them that chance because as more as you as more as they feel superior and that would make them become tired of and so start to look for fun somewhere else.
Btw the love avoidant can become love addict if they meet a partner who is love avoidant.
Do not be the victims but be the predators.
I’m sorry Karim, but that is not usually, if ever the case with a any avoidant’s attachment.
A love avoidant does not intentionally seek solidarity. It is an innate need or feeling many are not even conscious of. Both the love avoidants and the fearful avoidants fearful suffer and feel pain. It just manifests and is shown in different ways. Although fearful avoidants do tend to seek affirmation more so than love avoidants. How ever the fearful avoidants choose to go about it, sometimes can be hurtful, but it is because of their insecurities and issues with trust. I do not think that they intentionally try to hurt others, even though they usually do.
We have to keep in mind, these are not choices one makes just because they want to. It stems from many different bonding experiences throughout life.
This is coming from experience from both attachments of my own and through many partners. Only years of therapy has gotten me to this understanding. I do not expect for you to understand or agree, but I just thought this may give you another perspective❤️
I am a love avoidant, 73 yrs young and just ended a relationship Weds. That my partner told me she left 2 yrs ago. I truly love this women, how could I not know that she was no longer in the relationship. This is the first I have heard about love avoidance, I need to know more, what can I do???
Wow, this essay hits the nail on the head. I have been married to an Avoidant for 14 years. It’s mostly been awful. We were pretty young when we married, but these traits became evident from the very beginning. Every single one. Loving someone like this feels like death. Now we have a daughter, and I feel like I will ruin her life if we break up. But I am dying. He refuses to acknowledge any of it. For years, I was the problem, and I took the blame. I was too needy. Too emotional, too angry. But as the years have passed, and I became more solid in who I am, I started to realize my husband treats everyone as he treats me. Or rather, he treats me as he treats everyone else. Like he is completely independent, needs no one, that others are in the way. He has no relationships whatsoever. So, it really has taken me this long to realize all this. I have no idea how to love this man.
I was in a relationship for about a year and a half and I just found out that my boyfriend had a sex addiction along with being I love avoidant . In the beginning of our relationship me trusting him was so important to him . Seems ironic now that I understand that he is a love voic ironic now that I understand that he is a love avoidant. We broke up because I found him on dating sites. He was chatting with so many woman on the dating sites along with Facebook. He said he was doing this to feel better about himself and he was only chatting with them, which was a lie. I contacted a few of the woman and they had met him for lunch. He had been staying at my house for over 2 months and we were talking about him moving in permanently . I knew he had issues and gave him space and told him I would be there for him but I was so angry and hurt by the big trail that I told him to move out of my house . I have not heard from him since he went back to his place. He needs help and knows it but can’t or won’t reach out for it. Of course I can’t turn my feeling off, I still care about him but it’s hard to feel that he cares or if he ever actually loved me.
As an aware and recovering love addict crawling from the thermonuclear wreckage of a thirteen-year marriage to a still-rampant, still-denying love avoidant woman, I am fairly certain that I would rather have suffered some traumatic industrial accident and lost a limb, rather than go through what I just went through. And the beautiful part is, as a man in a society overtaken by misandric third-wave feminism, whatever counselor we ever tried, “male” or female, was always only too willing to dump 99% of the blame on me instead of 50% as soon as I’d set foot in their office, simply for being born with a penis. Well, truth be told, this dynamic was made even worse by the fact that my wife’s multitude of busy-busy-busy-busy outside addictions are all societally approved, and getting people, as many people as humanly possible, to superficially like her was one of those addictions—a quiet, contemplative man like myself never stood a chance. Her absurdly thick walls were decorated so nicely, I never could get a single counselor to even recognize them as walls. I finally was left with little choice but to divorce her, and I’m someone who loathes divorce. Ugh. What a pathetic idiot I was to ever think I needed that.
Seems like you were seeing the wrong type of counselers. I was dating a Love Advoidant but didn’t know / understand what was happening until I told him to leave when I found out he was on dating sites. I found out much worse since he left and somehow he has made me the bad person in all of this. 😒
I’ve only just realised that I was married to an avoidant for over twenty years. I’m finally in a new relationship, eight years after my ex-husband left me for another woman. I read ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and then ‘Avoidant’ by Jeb Kinnison because I was trying to understand my new mans behaviour and figure out how to deal with it. Those books explained everything, I had an epiphany. The dawning realisation that my ex was also avoidant explained everything. Even ‘Avoidant’ adheres to the stereotype of avoidant man and anxious-preoccupied woman. I’m so sorry your problems are multiplied by these stereotypes. It’s hard enough being in a relationship with an avoidant without therapists being so blatantly sexist as well. My ex refused therapy, obviously because he was cheating and he not only avoids emotional intimacy and negative emotions, but he also avoids the truth.
These books should be compulsory reading at age 16. Best wishes for the future.
Thank you for sharing the books!
I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t get the support you needed from your therapist…..unfortunately some therapists just can’t stay neutral, they bring their own pain into the therapy room and fuck you up even more…I swear they can be very damaging…and unfortunatley there a lot of them around…I know, I’ve been there! It is interesting hearing the other side as most the time we read about women dealing with men being love avoidant. Hopefully you will meet and be attracted to someone completely different in the future having been wise to what you’ve been through.
Oh brother I feel your pain!
I was on the adgevof asking my avoidant for marriage and she sniffed the air and bolted, now dating someone new.
It’s like being hit by a truck that then rolls on you.
Ugh.
That is the greatest example of being with an avoidant I’ve ever read!
I am a man in the same situation. It is only recently that I have started to look for reasoning to my partners behaviours. We have been together for a year and live together.
From just before we moved in together I started to notice the changes. Pretty much everything listed is how she is. It now makes so much more sense. The comments by Tring ring true too….the need for superficial friendships and the need to be like socially by an abundance of people she has nothing to do with. None of that friendly, fun side is for us though.
At the moment, I just have to take time to absorb all of this. I doubt a suggestion of counselling would be met with anything other than contempt.
It is incredibly sad as I do love her but my gut tells me that this will only end one way… .
“None of that friendly, fun side is for us though.”. —Bingo! Oh, and I highly warn you NOT to do counseling unless you find a RARE counselor who SPECIALIZES in love addiction/avoidance. And do NOT waste anything on a counselor who merely ” knows about” love addiction/avoidance. Trust me, as the one with the penis, you already have two strikes against you before you walk into any counseling session, so you gotta choose carefully. Or dont. It may be better to cut bait and move on. Counselor’s offices are little different from Family Court. You’re already the bad guy. Because you’re the guy.
BTW, Quiet Guy, the reason I suggest (and would strongly suggest) that you simply cut bait and move on (i.e., sever your ties with this female love avoidant) is because I was once in your place, and it is what I should have done. A decade and a half of acrimonious and ruinous separations and reconciliations later, our lives (and my life especially, since my ex has family support and I do not) are horribly damaged. I don’t know if I will ever fully recover, especially financially. And let me tell you what you soon have to look forward to with your female love avoidant who sounds so uncannily like mine: she will soon begin constantly “critiqueing” your every move, and your every move will never ever measure up to her standards. She won’t yell, she won’t raise her voice, but she will constantly, unceasingly, unrelentingly belittle your every action and deed (when she is actually home and not physically avoiding you). Oh, she will do it measuredly, even politely, but the accumulation of it will, over the course of just a few years, begin to feel like Chinese water torture to you. You will begin walking on eggshells in your own house and your own house will no longer be a place of rest or relaxation whatsoever. And later, when you try to tell a counselor of this constant chinese water torture of polite belittlement which she is putting you through, the counselor will NOT take you seriously. Neither will the married friends that you’ve made together: these two will all automatically assume that YOU are the reason for most if not all of the problems between the two of you. And you know why your love avoidant will soon begin this inevitable, endless, attritional barrage of belittlement? It’s because it represents to them, subconsciously I suppose, yet another method in which they can daily distance themselves from you. Good luck. Have fun with the coming nightmare you have in store for you if you stay with her. Sorry. But from all I’m hearing, that’s where you’re headed. I know. From horrendous, hard-earned experience, I know. Some lessons, you just wish you never had to learn.
Trinn, I can’t reply to your next comment so I’ll reply to this one instead. You say you have no family support but your partner does. I’m in the same situation. I moved away from my friends, job and family for him, he has his family nearby. I think it’s because they have to be in control. Normal folks negotiate and compromise, the avoidant does not.
QuietGuy, your situation mirrors mine exactly. Have been with my avoidant partner for just over a year and live together. Like you, her behaviour started to change just before we moved in. At that time and until very recently, I hadn’t come across attachment stuff so was just completely bemused and shell shocked with how things began to change.
At first she was warm and loving, although had made it clear early on that she was very independent and liked her own space. I also knew that for 5 years previously, she hadn’t been in a relationship for more than a few weeks at a time and had always ended it because it didn’t feel right. I know now that she was just backing away the moment things went past just casual.
Almost everything in this article rings true. She has an enormous amount of superficial friends but the happy go lucky friendly appearance she shows in public is only for them. At home there is none of that for us as a couple. She is cold and distant most of the time and her general demeanor makes it almost impossible to get near her. I now find myself walking on eggshells and having to think ahead before I say or do anything just to prevent copping some form of animosity from her. My home is not a restful calm and relaxing place, which for me is incredibly sad and very draining.
Regardless of situation, I am always in the wrong. She takes no accountability for her actions, never apologises and any raising of any of her negative actions is met with a barrage of contempt and verbal abuse.
I know I haven’t helped the situation because I had no idea about avoidants, so for a long time I was trying to resolve conflicts by showing I care, which just ended up making things worse.
Looking back over time, she has told me a lot of what she needs, like space to calm down, that although she would like to be romantic she just can’t do it but doesn’t understand why and that she knows her past has affected her (which she admitted she didn’t think it had until we were together and now accepts).
We reached a point a few weeks back where I had had enough and was going to be leaving. For the first time ever, she came down to me that night and opened up. She told me it took her several attempts to do it and that it was incredibly difficult for her. I was touched when she said that she knew she would end up back in her protective shell and asked me to just remember how she was at that point as that was the real her.
To sum it up after my long ramble, I know only too well how hard your life is living with an avoidant. It is difficult to put into words but I know exactly how you feel.
My take on it? We ourselves are anxious attachment partners. Their distancing techniques send us into a flat spin that makes us need closeness which in turn puts them in a flat spin and increases their defensiveness and sees us as smothering and needy. It’s a proper vicious circle.
If we choose to be with them, we have to accept how they are. We can’t rationalise our feelings to them. The approach I am now taking is to step back and give her more space to breath. Closeness to them is like control. We have to show that we care and love them differently to how we are used to, in a way that works for them, which is ultimately what a loving partner should do. We also need to become more secure in ourselves and not rely on them to make us feel that way as they cannot do it. Putting that on them is like being buried alive to them.
It’s a whole new, steep and long learning curve and only you know whether you can invest in that long term. I could keep going on for hours but I have rambled enough for now 🙂
Your story mirrors mine SPOT ON!!! My head says run, my heart says stay. I wonder if no contact works with an avoidant personality.
You know this all has to do with the relationship we had with our parents…esp opposite sex parent…they’re the root of this cause.
My partner of 22 years left while I was asleep, took all of her clothes and left everything I ever bought her. She is 14 yrs younger, I am 68. She promised to be with me until the end. She never gave me a reason. We had a discussion in which I dared to raise my voice asking why she did not want to spend time with me. Her last words to me were “. It’s too stressful “. And turned. To make me feel even worse is that I’m a retired psych PA she’s a Dr. I was in love with a hologram. I never knew her. I enabled her b/c I never pressured her . I was not a clinician but someone in love. I’m a gay woman which makes it worse. Not that another relationship is even in my mind but ,let’s face it, at my age? She promised to always be with me, all that crap. She left w/o an explanation , two weeks later moved to another state 600 miles away. She asks friends how I am , sounds like I’m moving on and “. When the dust settles she’ll send an email see how that goes and maybe call”. What a gal….my greatest fear was realized, I would be 70, living on SS and alone. Not only did she shatter my heart, but did it in such a cowardly way. I have 6 stents and she never gave thought one that her actions could have literally killed me. My nitro was and still is always with me. My survival depends on NC. I’m just devastated but not dead. I will recover and get to the point where I don’t devote one more day to the dysfunction that was my life. All of the behaviors you guys describe were present, also no memories of us. I fell stupid, but at least I’m beginning to see this mess as a clinician not a love partner. Or facsimile there of. May we see the sunshine and smile soon and forget the storm that zapped us.
This is a description of me. And I’m truly sorry I’ve hurt people and that you were at the receiving end of this behaviour. It took me a while to figure out it was me. I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore because the moment I’m in it, I perceive it as some sort of obligation. And it’s true; I need to stay in control which is hard work. And heaven forbid my partner truly knows me. This must be avoided at all costs. So as soon as they start to know too much about me, I leave. If I start to feel too comfortable, I leave, frightened that I might drop my guard. If that should ever happen, they will see me for what I really am. And I don’t know what that is myself now but I am convinced that it is absolutely not worth anyone’s love. As it so clearly wasn’t in the past.
I loved your article, it made me laugh so hard due to its accuracy. This illness is the best kept secret that flies under the radar and so hard to get help. I secretly wish the desire for romantic human connection could be removed. What a humbug waste of time when I could be desiring something more productive less problematic in my life. Yet, on the other side of the coin, I want it so badly, so I put obstacles in the way to prevent the “fall-ing” in love trap. Its true what you say, once we get sucked into the vortex we’re done for and wind up in some type of unpleasant situation in the end. “One ounce of prevention is worth and pound of cure” for the broken heart. Tina Turner said it best, “what’s love got to do with it?”
On point! I think the majority of people Reading this are probably on the receiving end of the avoider. Avoiders build-up walls and provide a small little space only big enough for one person to reside in. In essence, they make themselves the gods of their own small restricted worlds. Their emotions and feelings are fact and law in their worlds. But only because they cannot see the feelings and emotions of any one else around them since they have not made any room in their space for anyone else to reside. They typically so not realize they have problems, and if they do realize something is amiss, they would do better to keep their walls up and avoid that possibility as well. When an avoider decides to seek counseling or therapy, he/she will usually find reasons to quit attending sessions as soon as the counselor or therapist starts to touch on any truths that may make thebavoider feel exposed. They do not want to question or dissect their own emotions and they certainly don’t want anyone else doing it either!!! They will always find some unrelated reason as to why they had to cancel any future therapy sessions. If they have to question their emotions and feelings, then they may have to question their entire world and everything on which they base their own value and status.
Oh dear
After 10 years of mairrage, and two beautiful school age kids, I’m coming to terms that my wife is a text book avoidant. It’s extremely painful as others have pointed out. Just at the point where life was becoming less chaotic and moving out of ‘survival mode’ her distancing and withdrawal accelerated. Having the time and space to be with one another in a real way had the opposite effect and thickened her walls. I’m usually secure, but this pushed me to anxiety and I almost broke down. I then discovered attachment theory and everything made more sense. I’m not giving up, and am finding new ways to love and appreciate my avoidant (who I do genuinely love). It’s helped a lot to give her space without resentment. I also am coming to terms that she will simply never provide deep emotional support or empathy, and that we just can’t talk about feelings. I can’t change that those things drain her down to 0. When I was anxious and pressed she went into the worst stonewalling shell imaginable. Using what I now know, things have calmed down, and by giving her her needed space and distance, she has in turn provided scraps of positive engagement again. That’s all I can expect, but they are more meaningful now. I am strengthening emotional connections in other parts of my life, and building my emotional independence. It also helps to steadily meet her actual day to day needs, which to her is the most meaningful expression of love. Ive just got to respect her moat, and have empathy for why she needs it. On some hid away level I think she lived me, but simply can’t deal with that, much less express it.
This is a two-edged sword because I now have answers as to why but from the comments it seems there is absolutely no hope. Is there ANYONE who has come through to the other side of this?! Do I count the last 16 years of a marriage where I never really had a husband a total waste of time and move on?
The avoider comes with his own “get out clause” for every marital responsibility he signed up for.
I’m not needy but I’m also not made of Stone.
It’s like liking with a pyphon the more you wiggle the tighter the squeeze.
You will get to a point where any type of support becomes totally unavailable .
It’s most defiantly not a case of “you don’t ask you don’t get”. It’s more The less you give the more you’ll get.
Councilling don’t work, and nor does flipping the coin and being as distant as them. You may as well be on your own . The only person that could tolerate an avoidant is another avoidant. That would never happen tho as they need a life feed and unfortunately that will be you!
I like this post, enjoyed this one thanks for putting up.
We shared love for as long as i could remember,but suddenly everything changed,everything i does irritates him and he picks on me at any point,with these I was deeply hurt by My ex husband,he hurts me emotionally,and did a lot behind me which i don’t know about,yet he constantly accuses me of cheating on him while i was totally faithful and submissive to him. but thanks to Media lord for helping me to hack his phone for knowing all he was doing behind me,now i know that infidelity was the reason behind my marital dryness.knowing the truth hurts,but it settles the mind,now he wants me back but i can’t really turn back the hands of time.I really thank him for where i am today,i wouldn’t have realized this much joy i have today without the hurt. so i advice other readers, if you are having a trust issue in your relationship,kindly contact= (hackingloop6 @ g m a i l.c o m), he offer lots of hacking services.he is really a cyber genius.
I married an avoidant woman 15 years lost , It is a hopeless case ! two children and because I could never put my finger on all the attacks against me for trying to connect with her emotionally, and what amounted to emotional abuse from her , and constantly left feeling rejected and like a villan, I had to save myself, I wish I could have known about this when I was in it, I just pray that my two teenagers don’t have to suffer as bad as I have. Such a wicked personality. Heartless really.
I’m in love with an avoidant attachment new year he told me how he felt for me he was in the dark and led me into the dark it took ten minutes if anguish pain and struggle and saying I’m scared so scared but he got there not only did his head spin mine did too …
From the strsss I watched him undergo
I then immediately knew that he would back away a bit now it was said
So I asked him did he wants some space the day after he ina panicky response blurted no. I just meant work around work I wanted to laugh.
I’m happy, I love letting him be himself and being myself too his distance has given me space to be fully me … have an interesting relationship with myself heal from anxious attachment style co dependence love addiction and trauma binding so to me he is healing
And I am happy and accept him for himself and myself for being me … i feel like a free spirit and complete in myself and treat him same only seeing how we compliment. I can never arrange anything with him but still we haven’t stopped being together and seeing each other. That has taken him accepting me in his life but also me respecting him, and keeping self respect and confidence.
The physical bond and life we share in that is amazing as well as the friendship side of trust where we can trust each other to say anything feel anything and go through any emotion but in a friendship way encourages me so much as many marriages there’s love but no friends and competition.
If you say things in an intelligent way which is non blame but ibserving true and funny they will find you amazing and it’s good for character development self control finding the joy which overcomes tragedy and laughs in the challenges of life because you have beaten them with patience kindness brotherly love gentleness you can actually find deep love for the other person. And yourself and live in peace with balance companionship passion individuality free spirited no toxic control respect and a great sense of being sufficient in yourself. When you realise all you can give you realise the wealth of your own person the joy of life the fun of the mystery of human make up. The choice to feel negative or be positive despair or hope love or resent this is what makes your spirit free no one can monopolise anything live in choice freedom happily kerping a sense in inward worth peace confidence fun shine always feel your worth don’t define it by someone’s validation they admire you they need to feel better and worth something trust so I trust myself don’t let negativity drain you maintain your value
Laugh live dance be free they will join in the dance with you it’s never boring
I am in a relationship with an avoidant woman and very much in love with her … I currently possess an anxious or preoccupied attachement style. Fortunately for me and fortunately for my partner we are both very aware of our attachment styles and we are both giving ground. As the anxious one, I have much more work to do in containing myself and managing my anxiety.
My partner has not heard me say “I love you” nor have I written it in a card, I am sure she knows by my actions that I care and that I do love her. Conversely, I don’t think I will hear my partner utter those words any time soon … it may take a very long time if at all as she admits to being in love only once in her life after thinking she could never fall in love.
Her actions speak for themselves, she cares about me immensely … in that, there is unspoken love.
For my part, I must focus on my independent self, practice self love, practice self soothing and maintain my independence and not push my needyness upon her. Each day I learn something new about myself and my partner, each day I gain a little more understanding and insight into our relationship.
I see that we are both committed, I see that we both care, I see that we are both doing our best whilst respecting ourselves and the other.
With continued work on me and gaining more understanding of my partner we are moving closer to each other, slowly.
Patience, consideration, care, understanding, kindess and graciousness are absolutely necessary when loving an avoidant.