“How come we always talk about her frustrations?” he said yesterday in a couple’s session.
“Have you told her you were frustrated?” I asked.
He looked dumbfounded.
I turned to his wife.
“When was the last time he came to you and asked if you were available to talk?
”She said maybe once in the past year.
Well, there you have it. No one can read your mind. The time for that ended when words became possible. Around age two. Before then, absolutely. Good parents try to interpret the wants and needs of their crying, preverbal babies. Does he want a nap, bottle, a new diaper? Is she cold, hot, sad or mad? We guess and hope we get it right in order to calm and soothe and attune accurately to our newborn child.
But adults? We gotta use of words. The days of someone meeting us without us having to take responsibility for making our self known are over. I wish I had better news for you.
For sure, our partner can be attentive. He or she can pick up on vibes and on a bad day when words are out of reach, he or she can inquire as to your emotional state – “you okay over there?” But your partner is just your back-up team. It’s on you as Team A to take care of your own wants and needs.
So, pay attention to the feelings in your body. Find that elevator to your mouth. And of course, in a relational way, speak your truth.
Giving you and yours another chance,
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